Remorse
by JaggedHands
Summary: Amanda breaks down in Olivia's office after finding out that her bullet was the one who killed Esther Labott.


Remorse

"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."

The words hit Amanda like a ton of bricks. She had killed the girl she had fought so hard to keep safe and out of harms way. She had killed the girl, the young woman, who she cared so much for and had become so attached to during a short period of time. She had killed an innocent girl, shot her in the head like some kind of execution or even murder, a cold bloody murder, a police shooting that had gone terribly wrong and out of hand. She knew now that she would never be the same.

She tried to breathe, tried to fill her lungs with air but she struggled and all that entered her body were strangled and laboured gasps for some much needed oxygen and the wheezing sound that followed. What had she done? There was nothing she could say or do to change what had happened, no way of going back in time and make things play out differently and no way of ever forgive herself for what she had done. Her whole life had changed in an instant, in a tiny little miniscule second, everything had turned upside down and there was no way of turning things back to how it should be. Her life had altered.

The room began to spin around her, or was she spinning herself, she couldn't really tell? She instantly became dizzy, from the lack of oxygen, and she must've swayed unsteadily on her feet because two warm hands were suddenly placed on each upper arm and guided her towards the couch, that was positioned only a few feet away from the two women, and she found herself being gently pushed down onto the soft and plush cushions.

"Breathe for me, Amanda! You need to breathe!"

There was an urgency in Olivia's voice that held nothing but concern for her younger detective, trying to gently coax her back from whatever deep and muddy swamp, she was now currently drowning in, and back to present time where she needed to be.

Olivia was now kneeling down on the floor in front of the devastated blonde, hands still firmly on slender but muscular upper arms, rubbing them vehemently up and down, trying to ground her. "Look at me, Amanda. Please, look at me. ROLLINS!"

The loud and strong voice of Olivia brought her back to the present almost violently, as if someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over her head and she was immediately on high alert and coherent. Deep brown eyes searched her own for some kind of sign that she was indeed present and listening but Amanda had a hard time to focus on anything at the moment, the image of Esther lying lifeless on the floor of her parents house, blood seeping from a bullet hole on her forehead. A bullet hole that was put there by her own gun, by her own hands.

"I... I ki-killed her." she sputtered, her body shuddered forcefully as she said those words out loud for herself to hear. "I killed her."

"It was an accident, Amanda. You couldn't have known, don't do this to yourself." Olivia knew it was easier said than done. If she had been in Amanda's current position she would've surely blamed herself too, no matter what other people said.

"Why?" Amanda broke, her eyes glazing over with tears and despair as the salty drops began their journey down pale soft cheeks. "Why did I... Oh, god! What have I done?" she took a long shuddering but strangled gulp of air before she let out an agonizingly choking wail, emotions spilling over her whole being as she again struggled to take another breathe.

"Easy, honey, easy." Liv tried to sooth but she didn't even know if Amanda heard her words as she spoke or if she had even registered them at all. "Hang on a second, honey, just sit tight."

She got up from her kneeling position on the floor and walked over to her office door, closing the blinds in the window on her way, and met the concerned look on Fin's and Carisi's face as she was about to close the door for some privacy. "Is Rollins okay?" the youngest member of the squad asked, his brows furrowed with worry for his team member.

"She's... um, she just needs a few minutes. Don't open this door unless it's really important and knock first, please."

They knew better than to ask any more questions. The two men simply nodded and reluctantly went back to work, both wanting to be there for their friend and co worker but knew that she was in good hands with their Lieutenant and respected her need to be left alone. Liv closed the door and dimmed the lights, creating a soft and warm glow inside the room, retrieved a packet of tissues from her desk drawer and a blanket that was tucked away on a shelf just underneath the top of the coffee table, she returned to her kneeling position.

"Take all the time you need, there's no rush. The guys know something's up but I didn't tell them anything, that's up to you if you want them to know. There's absolutely no pressure in telling them, okay? And if you want me to tell them, I will, you just let me know." spreading the blanket out wide, she draped it across quivering shoulders as Amanda bobbed her head up and down, not able to speak due to the sobs that threatened to rip through any second and it was heartbreaking to witness it. Liv pulled out a couple of soft tissues and gently began to dab at the tears that were continuously falling with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

Knowing that Amanda wasn't the coddling type, and hated to feel sorry for herself, Liv reluctantly refrained from getting too physically close to the blonde but there was only so much heartache she could bare witness to without providing some sort of reassurance or comfort. Not knowing how Amanda would react to her next move, she slowly rose from her knees and carefully sat down next to her detective and friend, hoping that she wouldn't shy away from her touch. "Come here."

She had barely finished her short sentence before she had a sobbing mess in her arms, crying against her chest and small hands clutched so tightly around the material of Olivia's blouse, that Amanda's knuckles turned white and bloodless. The weight on the front of her body made it difficult for her to sit straight and she found herself leaning back against the backrest of the couch, pulling Amanda with her, tucking her securely against her side, realizing that the blonde was nearly seated in her lap.

"It's okay, Amanda. You're gonna get through this, I promise you that. We're all here for you and, after you speak to IAB, I'm confident that you will return to work within the next few days and, if that's too soon, then you can take as much time as you need to, okay? There's no rush."

Amanda didn't respond, couldn't respond, instead she burrowed her face into the Lieutenant's warm and silky neck and cried like she never cried before. Hot tears of remorse.

The End


End file.
